What if the way people treat us is learned behavior guided by how we teach others to treat us? If we constantly feel used, what it is about the way we respond to others that teaches them that we are available to them for whatever they want, at any cost to us personally? What if people who are abusive are constantly welcomed to continue the treatment because we teach them by our responses that we are not worthy of better treatment?

No matter where we work and who our friends are, we teach others by how we respond in various situations how to see us and how to treat us.

What if every one of us stopped to consciously choose who we want to be in this world (the qualities that describe us) and how we want to feel? AND What If we make choices to make those intentions a reality?

Whoever we have become today is only the starting point for who we choose to become tomorrow. No judgment. No penalties. Only an opportunity to recognize that we have taught others how to see us and we can do so again. AND for those who choose to ignore who we become, it is time to change or leave those relationships. Because otherwise we teach them that we will not change in any way that makes them uncomfortable—and that means giving our power to others to tell us who to be. We teach them that we didn’t really mean it; we’ll do whatever they want. Is that really what we want to teach? If we do not respect ourselves and our choices, how can we teach others to do so?

In a world that craves clarity and sanity, what could we change by being clear in our choices about who we want to be in every conversation, situation and relationship? AND then recognize that by our choices, we teach others who we are and what we value. If what comes back reinforces who we want to be, do more of it. If not, change. We teach by who we be and what we do, and as any child will teach us, our actions speak louder than words.

What if weight gain is an indicator of the extent to which we are carrying what is not ours to carry in this life? What if physical weight is only an outward manifestation of emotional or mental weight that we carry by our ways of thinking about and responses to specific experiences, situations, and people?

If the physical weight is only an indicator of something that is literally weighing us down from living into our joy, passion, and fulfillment, with ease, then we might broaden our thinking about diets. We might think about what, in our life, is nurturing—feels warm and enveloping. What fills us up emotionally or intellectually? The lack of such nourishment may be at the root of what and when we eat in an attempt to fill an emptiness that is more rooted in choices that do not support our life’s work, such as being engaged (sometimes with frustration or resentment) in performing meaningless roles to fill up on scraps and morsels of approval from others and trying to convince ourselves that such behavior is necessary.

If our weight signals whether we are listening to and following the guidance of our hearts and intuition, then perhaps it is a gift, because at least we can see what is often hidden emotionally or intellectually. AND a way to nourish our minds and hearts is to fill up with people, conversations, and activities (including silence and stillness) that put a smile in our hearts. AND the more we fill up, the more capable we are of discerning what is real from the lies and threats we inflict on ourselves to stay in relationships, situations, or work that is not fulfilling. AND the more likely we drop the expectations, labels, and judgments that we carry in our heads and hearts.

AND when we drop the weight, our lives are filled with joy and ease. AND anybody, who chooses, can feel light again.

Hmm…maybe 2012 is a good time to drop the weight? How about today? Is today a good time?

Life just happens. People put in all the meaning. What if our unconscious or learned expectations that create a mind of shoulds is a source of anxiety, because we listen to these voices without ever asking if they are currently true for us? Let’s play with this possibility for a bit.

To live in the world in peace with what is and at ease with who we are is an invitation to the wisest and humblest in this world. It is not merely the purview of the wealthy or socially powerful. What if we all have access to ease and peace AND what if the key to our access is deep within the heart’s wisdom of each of us?

What this means is that creating time and space to be quiet—disconnected from the voices in our heads, the television, smart phone and other technology, and other people—is the way to hear the wisdom in our hearts. If this is true, then it is not only productive and efficient to use some portion of our days to create and live into this space, it is the recipe for finding our own truth, dreams, passion, and peace, which in turn changes the world we create together.

One specific example of how all of this would work is to look inward for what it means to contribute to the quality of life on this planet. Many people search for ways to feel valued and in so doing give their power to others to tell them whether they are of service, whether their contribution is meaningful. When we unconsciously choose to follow the shoulds and learned labels for our titles, positions and roles (parent, executive, worker, artist, and the like) we get lost in formulas for what counts as ambition, achievement, and success. While useful formulas to build discipline as children and to learn what it takes in this world to play the games, these formulas are particularly destructive to adults searching for a sense of peace, ease, and meaning. Because the answers and formulas were never means to be the formulas for joy, ease and peace.

If we find quiet moments-literally moments-where we experience beauty—in any form, we create the space to feel our own light, and to become acquainted with the steps to living in peace, with total acceptance of who we are. AND labels will not be useful. They are distractions. It is time for only feeling calm and quiet, for listening into the silence for the wisdom that awaits. AND when the words or images come to us that put a smile on our face, it is also time to trust the wisdom of the heart, which means not judging by human standards whether what we imagine or feel is good or bad, achievable or not, smart or dumb—the labels create illusions. The new metrics for truth telling and accessing peace require that we only be present and experience. That is it. The truth is in our experience.

So, if in 2012, we want to change the world, we will need healthy, centered individuals who are at peace with who they are. What if the light each of us brings is the greatest contribution to an enlightened world, and most of the rest is a distraction? AND what if this week, every one of us commits to testing these ideas by setting aside a few minutes every day to be quiet, in some environment that evokes beauty to see what happens? I look forward to your comments on your experience.

Welcome to “And.” As a sociolinguist, I am intrigued by how we use language consciously and unconsciously to create the kinds of lives we live today. This space for thoughts and reflections is entitled “And” as a reminder that nothing said or written is ever the complete picture. Whatever you tell yourself about your day or the value of something you say or do, it is never the entire picture. Why does this matter?

For one thing, we tend to be particularly hard on ourselves—“the presentation wasn’t as good as it could have been if I had prepped more, I was short with the kids, my pants wont zip”—all common noise in our heads—particularly the heads of women. This inner critic runs a 24 hour monologue if you let it. If, however, you stop in the moment you evaluate something, someone else, or yourself, and ask what else is true, you have the opportunity in the moment to create a more complete statement and perspective. The picture, as it becomes more complete, is also more accurate.

“And” is a fabulous little word that can remind you to ask yourself, “What else is true?”

You build your capacity to see the lightness and humor in a situation. You detach from your evaluation and remember that you are not what you do or did. Take the example above. Let’s say the presentation could have been better if you had prepped. What else is true? Did you trip over the podium? Do you care? Was it good enough? Did you have any fun? Looking for what else is true can remind you to be a little kinder and more honest with yourself about the bigger picture of who you want to be in this life. Detach from the labels and notice what else is going on.

An exercise that you might find particularly helpful is to listen for every time you use the word “but” in a sentence. Try replacing virtually every “but” with “and” and watch where looking for what is not working can be put into perspective by seeing everything that is working.

We are more than a set of labels. To see and celebrate the best in ourselves and others, we need to become a bit more conscious of the language we use in talking to ourselves and with others. “He is handsome but lazy” carries a judgment and implicit disapproval. “He is both handsome and lazy” merely states an observation and leaves open the possibility of having more fun with each of attributes, rather than accepting or internalizing other people’s judgments.

So, in the interest of fostering more lightness and openness in how we see ourselves and others, I’m supporting the conscious choice of “and” and will offer insights and perspectives that I hope you find helpful. And…

Intention matters. Being present matters.Consciously choosing to frame what we perceive in ways that support abundance and gifts can change the world–literally. AND everyone of us makes a difference. We need many awakened voices to create the world that supports life in sustainable ways. Our individual choices affect the people we touch–which means that individual voices matter. So, here is my invitation for 2012.

I invite all of us to identify situations that we want to reframe. AND if you will send your reflections, questions, and insights to me by posting comments to this blog, I would like to offer ways we can reframe our thinking to enhance the myriad gifts and wisdom we have to lead from the heart, find our voices and use them to create more sanity and light, and to adjust the perspective that we tend to hear from our media.

I will begin with a reissue of the first AND column that explains the intent behind this blog and the focus on language and the power of AND. What will follow is a 2012 shift to AND What If, which will be a reframe of situations and thinking to challenge us to release old beliefs that no longer serve our highest and best selves and to consciously choose new ways to see and think about ourselves, our world, and our experiences.

AND What If sharing insights with no expectations is all we need to create the lives we choose to lead? I’m in. Want to play?

We all arrive on this earth in a particular package—at a particular time in history, born into particular family circumstance, in a particular geography, with a given race and gender, and everything else our DNA provides. We all experience the world alone, as we navigate the confusing world of human experience, learning how to belong and feel accepted. As the young Korean teaches all of us, the package that encases the beautiful gifts we hold inside awaits our willingness to look inside. Once inside and connected with what we love, we have every opportunity to make choices that either enables our brilliance to shine for the betterment of the planet or not.

Either way, the choice is ours. The package is perfect for our unique path. The past is merely a context from which to gather strength or define ourselves as victims. The road is different for each of us. The journey is the shared human experience of life unfolding.

As we begin the New Year, there is much healing to be done on this planet. AND there are many beautiful gifts to be expressed in the form of the light we all hold. What can we choose that ignites our passion, opens our hearts to our own gifts and shines the light on others’ gifts to uplift a world needing a bit more light? What will it take for each of us to celebrate the package AND for the good of all—look inside? A treasure that has the potential to bring great joy awaits expression.

Let’s make 2012 the year we turn on the light. Happy New Year

A few observations on wrapping:

Some wrap their gift with great care; some don’t. Some take great joy in making their gift look appealing from the outside; some don’t. Some can make old newspaper look enticing; some can mess up even gorgeous paper. Some add finishing touches with fine details; others are satisfied with the grand gesture. Some playfully try to disguise what is inside by placing the gift in bigger or odd-shaped packages before wrapping; others put everything in the standard-sized box. Some choose wrappings that are perfect for the receiver; others use whatever they can find in the house. Some take great joy in wrapping their own gifts; some find others who will wrap for them and still others give their gifts to volunteers whose wrapping serves charities.

As for unwrapping:

Some rip into the wrapping with great zeal, often not even seeing the careful wrapping; others methodically break the tape without damaging the paper and slowly remove the wrapping in one piece. Some try to guess what is inside before unwrapping; others are happier to be surprised. Some hold expectations for what is behind the wrapping, often disappointed with what eventually appears; others approach the gift with curiosity and a sense of discovery. And some children play with the tape and paper; oblivious to the gift that is wrapped inside—much to the consternation of adults who wrapped the gifts.

Whatever your approach to the many gifts of the season, being present enough to notice the care with which gifts are wrapped, given, received, and unwrapped can remind all of us to be open to the many gifts in our lives. AND have fun wrapping and unwrapping your own presents (presence?).

Merry Christmas

In these times of belt tightening, when so many people feel financially pinched, this season is one that lights up smiles when people receive warm greetings, kind thoughts and generous gestures from friends or strangers. It is also a time when we are invited to recognize that all of us have something to give that brings light to other people’s lives.

I was speaking with a friend who works at a parenting center last week.  He told of hundreds of people who volunteered to wrap gifts for families in need. Some came to wrap, even if they were to be recipients because even though they were financially challenged this year, they wanted to be able to give something to others. And their present was time to gather and wrap the gifts and donations. Families who received donations and gifts last year came to volunteer this year. AND this was not the only story I heard like this one last week.

No matter what is going on in our lives, we always have something to give that lights the day for someone else. In this moment—today—the present, we all have something that can bring a smile or a reminder to others that they matter. If each of consciously chooses to be present to the people around us, the gifts we give may not cost anything more than a moment of kindness, a gentle smile, a warm greeting, or a wonderful hug. AND the generosity of the heart is the spirit of Christmas or Hanukkah, or the Season.

So as you celebrate whatever is your tradition, may it be happy. AND may we all take a moment to share something with someone whose spirit may soar and heart may be warmed by whatever we give from the heart.

I was recently reading Rosie Deer Heart’s book, Awaken.  As I read her stories on intuition and her journey, I stopped to notice the song playing in my head. It was the theme song from the TV show Cheers.

I don’t know all the words to the song. The melody, rhythm, and refrain “… go where everybody knows your name” played vividly. The reflections and stories about Rosie’s spiritual journey coupled with the song’s refrain caused me to notice our individual and collective desire to be in a place where we feel embraced for who we are, a place that is familiar, safe, and connecting us to others who see and love us, a place where “everybody knows your name.”

On some level the place is always your heart, where your inner wisdom lives. The place is warm, cozy, and decorated with feelings, colors, and whatever connects you with love. On a human experience level, there is also the strong desire to connect with those we love–whether in a shared physical or emotional place, and to feel part of a community.

My Mom left this earth nearly eight months ago. Yet she is one of those connections who “knows my name.” Her birthday is this week and I am reminded of a shared place in my heart where we can meet. There are others with whom I share the physical space–family and dear friends. For all of these connections I am deeply grateful. They grace my life with acceptance, love, and many gifts. My heart is full when I reflect on the many places where I go, as well as the places in my heart, where everybody “…knows my name.”

 As the holidays approach, glistening with bright lights and music, many of us stop to decorate places where we live and gather. If each of us reflects on all we share and count among our blessings, we might extend our reach to those who only need to be reminded that they have a place, make a difference in the world, and are welcome in our hearts to feel the connection, too. AND maybe we can show them a place where somebody knows their names.

Something different happened when the three men claimed their lottery winnings. Many people didn’t cheer for the winners. Some made up stories, not based on facts, about their not being the real winners. Some even turned their resentment and disgust towards these men, simply because they were the winners.

What has happened to us as a society that we judge who should and should not win the lottery? Since when do we discriminate against anyone who is lucky enough to win the lottery? Where did we disconnect from the knowledge that anyone in our society is eligible to play the game and anyone who plays can be a winner?

I find that some people during this recession go the extra mile to do something special for those who are less fortunate. These generous people live from abundance, giving what they can to help other people in their communities. A recent media story highlighted college campuses where students collect and provide food for other students who have scholarships to pay for classes, yet cannot afford to eat. The individual and collective good will of students helping those who have less is just that—good will. It is their choice to give. Yet, other people in times of recession focus on scarcity, protecting what they have and lamenting those who have more.

That three men won the lottery is cause for congratulations and a slap on the back. That they may, as has been reported, give the money away is not an entitlement of those who did not win. It is a choice based on the free will and desires of the winners. I hope, if they do choose to give the money away, people acknowledge gratefully their generosity rather than judging the action as the only choice of the winners. Because, after all, they played, they won, it is their money, and it is solely their choice about what to do with the winnings. When I was growing up, the term used to describe those who would not congratulate winners because they themselves did not win, was “sore loser.”

This scenario provided by the winners and others’ reactions offers us a mirror to see who we are becoming as a society and as individuals. The lottery is a game. People play all the time. Some win and some lose. We are all eligible to play. AND we all have the potential—no matter how improbable—to win. I, for one, would rather celebrate winners and remember to be grateful that I live in a society where anyone can play and anyone can win. And someone eventually does, when it comes to the lottery!