Have you ever experienced conversations that seem to go nowhere? Some interactions, whether in the work or personal context, are like tennis matches with one side lobbing thoughts over the net only to be met with a continuous cycle of returned lobs. There is no building on each other’s ideas because there is no listening. There is only the assumption that surely this other intelligent person is capable of seeing our infinite brilliance. AND therefore, we use all of our creativity to get through to the otherwise seemingly rational human being with whom we are talking instead of stopping to listen with compassion for what is beyond the words.
Some people whose intention is to be honest unintentionally stun their listeners because of their directness. Others are more manipulative in moving others to agree with them. We are invited to both see behind the manipulation to intention and to compassionately recognize that good people sometimes stand behind awkward word choice. AND any of us may fall into either category if we do not clearly acknowledge our intentions before engaging others in dialogue.
What would happen if we truly believed that every participant in the conversation had something to contribute? For one thing, if we didn’t, we would simply not engage or otherwise remove ourselves from the situation. And what if any word choice that had its roots in, I’m right and you’re wrong and it is my job to show you where you are wrong is recognized to be misaligned with our intention to create a positive collaborative result? (And if you don’t want a collaborative result, then it is not a conversation or dialogue. It is something else entirely.)
What if, instead, we limit ourselves to frames that are inclusive, support listening, and acknowledge that there is value in each voice. AND that together, with open minds and clear intention, we can create the kind of world that supports meaning, contribution, and value for all of its members? Only then we would recognize that our intention matters—a lot. We are not here to fix each other. We are not here to prove our intellectual prowess to the diminishment of others. We are not better for others’ loss.
If we approach every situation consciously evaluating whether it is fertile ground for our voice (each situation accurately by each of us not for what we want it to be; rather for what it will support), we have the opportunity to step into the wisdom ofSt Augustine (I am paraphrasing here) when he suggested that:
In essentials, there shall be unity
In non-essentials, freedom
AND in all things charity
Acting with compassion towards ourselves and others removes the critic and sees the human behind all forms of thought. AND we just might be inclined to choose words that raise others up, build on their ideas, and create space for many to participate.
